"This book is a 'must' for any parent. Practical, down to earth and full of helpful advice gleaned from years of experience, it is written with an in-depth understanding of the pressures and stresses facing modern-day children and teenagers.

Vicky Maud, a parent and one of Britain's busiest agony aunts, writes with a knowing grasp of the realities of parenthood. In this book she covers a wide range of topics including school-related problems, bullying, self-image, drugs and relationships. Her approach is informed, concerned and above all positive, while the many examples from her work, including the voices of children and teenagers, add poignancy and depth."

'Vicky Maud's insightful and sensitive approach to depression has helped a great number of people deal with what can often be a frightening illness. We are delighted that Vicky has now focused her attention on depression in young people and are sure that her book will bring relief to the many who suffer in silence.'
Depression Alliance

'Our children and young people are the future. They too face enormous pressures, and the mind is vulnerable at all ages. This book is a much needed resource for all those involved with children and adolescents. It is always better to act sooner rather than later, and there is plenty here to enable all those with a concern for children and adolescents to be wiser well before the event.'
Dr Chris Manning, Chief Executive, PrimHe (Primary Health Education)

Contents

Acknowledgements
Foreword

• Could my child be depressed?
• School life and depression
• Bullying
• Parental pressure
• Children and teenagers need to feel good about themselves
• Dangerous situations and scared feelings in families
• Drugs, smoking, alcohol and self-harming
• Relationship problems
• Do you understand your children?
• Afterword: the challenge of bringing up our children

Sources of help
Index

Foreword

Dear Friend,
When we look back at our childhood most of us will do so through 'rose-coloured spectacles', and memories of holidays, family outings, being with friends, long summer holidays, first girlfriend or boyfriend, will all come flooding back. Unless we have endured bullying, family rows or intimidation, lesser times of unhappiness will fade into the distant past, leaving us feeling that our childhood was the happiest time of our life.

For some inexplicable reason, most people think their children will always be happy during their childhood, and the fact that they might become depressed is something that is often dismissed out of hand. Depression is associated in most people's minds with adults, and many find it very difficult to relate this problem to children, but the truth is that lots of our young people do suffer with both stress and depression. Most parents don't recognize the symptoms, and their children don't even know what depression is.

Statistics have shown that depression affects at least 2 in 100 children under the age of 12 and 5 in every 100 teenagers, which is very worrying indeed. In my broadcasting work as an agony aunt I answer problems that are e-mailed in from teenagers, children, parents and teachers. Added to this are the many letters that I receive on my newspaper columns from young people. Consequently, I have become increasingly worried at the suffering many of them are going through. Some contact me because they are being abused, others cannot cope with parental pressure to do well at school, and exams stress out yet more of them.

In addition, there are also the changes in lifestyle for youngsters because of parents splitting up, having to accept stepparents, and often being expected to take sides when parents argue. These are all causes of stress and depression in our children today.

Bullying has to come close to the top of the list of causes, with thousands of children across the country setting off for school each day, scared, unhappy and isolated. Many never tell their parents, or anyone else for that matter, what they are going through; they suffer day after day at the hand of their tormentors, scared to say anything for fear the bullying will get worse. Sadly, some commit suicide. How can all these dreadful things be happening to our children when we haven't even realized they are becoming stressed and depressed? Unfortunately the answer to that is easy: we are not expecting it, and are quick to find other reasons for our; children's symptoms and behaviour.

What we might see as bad behaviour in our child may be their way of expressing the depressed feelings — in the same way that anger in an adolescent, or an extreme behaviour pattern, can. Depression and stress are also very clever at disguising themselves in a whole range of physical symptoms that can confuse the picture, or point to other illnesses instead

I hope that this book will help parents, relatives, teachers and friends of youngsters who are depressed to recognize the symptoms, identify the causes, and help them back on the road to recovery, without making them feel guilty or uncomfortable about what is an illness just like any other.

Looking back on my own childhood, I would say that I could come up with enough happy times to fill a book, but if I am honest there were times when I felt very unhappy, not because my parents didn't love or care for me, but because of circumstances.

I was the eldest of two children, with a six-year gap between my younger brother and me. My mum suffered from agoraphobia, which meant she never left the house without my father. Dad worked long hours because we needed the money, and at the age of eight or nine I used to take the washing to the laundrette each week, and do all the shopping when I came home from school. I didn't mind, and I wanted to help my mum but sometimes when I saw my friends playing in the square outside our flat I had this little cloud that built up inside me, making me feel miserable that I was missing out on playing with my friends.

On Saturdays I had to do the 'big shop' because Dad was working, and this would mean at least three journeys to the local co-op. If I was lucky, I was allowed to go out to the Saturday morning pictures first, and then do the shopping at lunchtime. I didn't resent it because I knew no different, but I did feel weighed down by all the responsibility.

I longed for the school holidays when I would be sent to Bangor in north Wales, to spend the time with my grandmother. There I was free to play, to wander on the pier, and to paddle in the Ravendachi, a little brook that ran down to the beach. It is strange that I haven't wondered about this until I wrote it down — but who did all the shopping when I was in Wales?

As I got older, I went to the grammar school and things changed. I had a long bus journey to London each day, and would pick up a few items for my mum on the way home, but the 'big shop' stopped—I still don't know who did that. Responsibility partially lifted, I felt less stressed, but this was offset by the feelings of being very much on my own, and sad when it came to parental support at school. With Mum's agoraphobia and Dad working all the hours he could, neither of them ever came to school events. Medicals I endured alone, parents evenings were not attended, and I felt I must have been the only child in the school whose parents were never at prize-giving (not that I ever got one), or at the yearly service that was held in Southwark Cathedral.

I don't know if I suffered with depression or stress, but what I do know is that there were times when I felt very unhappy. Never more so, in fact, than when a man on a bike attacked me on my way home from school. I was on a very lonely lane, which I had to walk along to get to school every day. It was a footpath between a cemetery and an allotment. This path climbed a steep hill and turned at the top, and at this point you were about a quarter of a mile in either direction from the roads. Looking back and having visited the spot with my family since, I can't believe I was allowed to walk this way, as so few people used it. On this particular day I was with three or four friends on our way home when a man on his bike stopped and dropped his newspaper. 'Pick that up for me please,' he asked, and I did. Next thing I knew he had grabbed me and was doing things that I didn't understand. I wasn't raped. Fortunately, a lady came along and hit him with an umbrella, and he shot off down the hill, still on his bike. 'Run home and tell your mother what has happened,' she said.

Scared and embarrassed in front of my friends I tried to run, only to find I fell over because my knickers were around my ankles. When I got home, I told my mum what had happened and she went very quiet. She told me to get into the bath and then go to bed. Later I heard muffled voices as they discussed what had happened. They came and tucked me up, gave me a cuddle, and never ever mentioned it again. Not, I'm sure, because they didn't care, but because I honestly believe that they felt it was the best for me if it was all forgotten. For the next six months, I had to go to school and back along the same road. I would try to find reasons not to go to school. At school I would sit in class terrified at the thought of going home in case the man was waiting for me again. I used to lie in bed at night unable to sleep, scared and dreading the next day. Looking back, I think I was definitely depressed at that time. I don't think my parents knew how much this affected me, and how it has ever since. Even now, I'm wary when I'm going out alone. I never go to lonely places, and used to have nightmares that something similar might happen to either of my two lovely daughters.

My salvation was getting a place at a grammar school, which gave me choices. I chose a school in central London as I couldn't bear the thought of going to school near where I lived, and where I might bump into this man again. Soon after this we moved to a different area, and the sun seemed to come out for me again and the unhappy feelings drifted away. I couldn't tell my parents how I felt, because I didn't want to upset them. I loved them, and I knew they loved me. Our Christmases were magical, birthday parties special, they made my friends welcome, and the flat where we lived was a happy place to come home to. I had so much to thank them for that these unhappy feelings I kept to myself didn't seem to matter too much. Maybe I displayed anger or was moody — I can't remember, but I certainly know that it is possible to live in the most loving home and to still get depressed as a child.

If you have picked this book up, you are either a parent with an open mind, or one who is concerned about their child or teenager. Whether you read this book from cover to cover, or just dip into particular sections, doesn't matter. Because the book covers quite a wide age range (between 5 and 19 in some parts), it has often been necessary to use the words 'child' or 'children' to encompass all age groups. I have tried to cover as much as I can in a sensitive and honest way. Some of the case histories may bring tears to your eyes, but as you brush them away you will know that you will be able to help your child should the need arise.

Kind regards.
Vicky

About the author
Vicky Maud, one of Britain's busiest agony aunts, works for many regional newspapers across the United Kingdom. She appears extensively on radio and television where she uses her training in counselling to help listeners and viewers. Vicky is the UK representative on the executive board of the International Centre for Drug Abuse Prevention in Schools and has travelled all over the world with this work. She has close links with Depression Alliance and has been a key speaker and counsellor at their conferences over the years. Married with four children, her interests include travel, reading, cooking, psychic interests, dream analysis and walking by the sea.

She is the author of How to Enjoy your Retirement (Sheldon Press, 1996) and Depression at Work (Sheldon Press, 2000).